Mr Bitey's first conference

Being an account of an academic mother's first return to work during maternity leave.

3am. Mr Bitey wakes me up to politely request some milk. I dash through from spare room where I have been desperately trying to get some sleep. His subsequent loud pantings keep his dad awake and fretting until he despairs  and evacuates to the spare room leaving me with the next shift.

6.30am. Alarm wakes me up. Force myself to get up and have shower to make myself respectable. Mr Bitey awakes while I shower and requests more milk. Feed him. Change him. Change me. Mr Bitey is sick on my smart skirt. Too late to change, mop it up, transfer angry baby to car seat, head out. Wail "I can't do this!" Husband looks at me with silent agreement, but continues to hustle me out door, first taking photo of now resigned infant.

8.30am. Arrive at conference. Pretend to be normal. Marvel at sight of female colleagues adoring Mr B and male colleagues trying to think of appropriate pleasant remarks.

9am. Pull myself together and meet international speakers who I coaxed into crossing the Atlantic long before Mr Bitey was conceived. Try to remember what their work is about. Find colleague who knows the work and introduce them. 

9.25 Husband leaves for work.

9.26. Remember I need to introduce Principal and open conference. Park pram next to anxious colleague. Dive onto stage. Say something welcoming. Go for sympathy by pointing out 7 week old baby to delegates. Hope I don't have baby sick on shoulder. Introduce principal and then keynotes.

9.40 Collapse back in seat beside pram. Mr Bitey has slept through it all. This is fortunately the pattern of the day. He does squawk during the keynote once but a cuddle sorts that out.

10.30 Realise that I am meant to be timekeeping the session which is hard for someone who has been living on baby time for 7 weeks. 

10.40 End session. Direct delegates to coffee. Various friends swoon over Mr Bitey during coffee. Take advantage of this to gobble pastry with customary greed.

11am Mr B decides he needs to gobble with customary greed. This means breast feeding in public in the cafe where my students and colleagues hang out. Square shoulders. Get on with it. Chat to keynote speaker who is finalising slides for afternoon session. Mr B thrashes and pants as normal.

11.15. Feed is finished but I can't choose between the three parallel sessions so I decide to sit on a sofa and chill out instead. Feeling incredibly relaxed considering I have a conference to run. Normally I would be running around mental. Looking after a baby forces me to slow down. Accept invitation to friend's conference in a couple of weeks.

12.30 Change baby in my office. Meet various students who regard him benignly, if awkwardly. Computer support officer ignores baby but corners me about a student's misdemeanor. Like I care - I'm on maternity leave. (Or at least my version of it where I do the work I like but nothing else).

13.00 - 15.30. Conference passes in a blur of feeding, passing Mr B to colleagues, wheeling him in his pram to drop in on sessions. I even manage to listen to some of the content.

15.30. Can't be bothered taking Mr B out of a session to feed him. Have no shame left, so feed him in the auditorium. Possibly disconcerting for speakers but I have my back to everyone else. When he starts to slurp particularly noisily I decide I really ought to leave.

16.00. Wind up conference in a rush. Forget to thank the admin staff in my eagerness to get it over with and go home and relax with Mr Bitey. Ooops.Just as well I got them choccies earlier.

19.00 Get changed to go to dinner with speakers. This will be the first time I have been let out alone in 7 weeks. Just as I leave, Mr Bitey's nappy leaks all over my white top. 

21.00 Return home to a screaming baby and a husband with gritted teeth. 

Such is the life of an academic mum?







Comments

[Heather]

Does Mr Bitey have teeth yet?? If not your in for some fun!

Absolutely hilarious, motherhood has definitely helped your creativity! More please :)

[Amanda Wilson]

congratulations, i dont know how u managed to do all that on the day was a great day btw. Im sure Mr Bitey had a great day too. Kids have a habit of doing "things" just as you are about to go anywhere important. I rememeber similar things happening when I went back to work after my 2nd. :) :)

[Phewsie]

This was a brilliant entry Judy!
I hope you (and the hubby) have recovered by now, I'm shattered just reading about your day! :P
Anyway, hope all is well with the three of you and the cats!